Op-ed: Speaking of domestic violence

By Madeline Bodin
©2025 Telegraph Publishing LLC

I’ve been talking to neighbors and friends about domestic violence more the usual over the last few weeks. Maybe you have also. Of all the comments I’ve heard and seen, the ones that have caught my eye are the ones saying that we shouldn’t be talking about this, that it’s a private matter, or that talking about domestic violence – even without naming names – somehow embarrasses violence survivors.

I had questions about this. For answers, I turned to Angela at the Women’s Freedom Center, the local domestic and sexual violence organization for Windham County and southern Windsor County in Vermont. Angela was the perfect person for me to talk with because part of her job is to be a youth advocate – talking with children, teens and young adults about intimate partner violence and sexual violence. She’s good at explaining things simply.

My questions were about domestic violence in general. Angela doesn’t and wouldn’t talk about specific cases either. I’m going to refer to her by her first name only, for her safety and the safety of the survivors she works with.

The first thing I asked Angela was: What is the difference between domestic violence and intimate partner violence? I have heard both terms used. Angela explained that domestic violence includes violence between any members of a household, including children. Intimate partner violence refers to violence between adults.

The Centers for Disease Control includes in its definition a “current or former dating partner or spouse.” Since the Women’s Freedom Center focuses on intimate partner violence and sexual violence, I focused on those aspects of domestic violence while asking my questions.

My most important question was: should we be talking about intimate partner violence? What surprised me about Angela’s answer is that she didn’t hedge or give conditions. “No one benefits from not speaking about things that impact our community,” Angela told me.

When we don’t see intimate partner violence and sexual violence
as a concern for the community, when there are no social
consequences for the crime, when we treat it differently
than similar crimes, we echo these ancient laws and beliefs.

For generations, our society dealt with intimate partner violence and sexual violence with silence. Through the community’s silence, survivors were taught that the violence was their private shame, to be borne alone. “Silence is an irresponsible way to address these issues,” she says.

While these discussions are difficult, they are also our best way to end the violence. “Children are waiting. They are watching. They are listening,” Angela told me. “Our children are paying attention and seeing how we handle it.”

She teaches children how people get into these types of relationships and how they can navigate themselves out of them. I think it’s a skill set that’s as important as any other form of self-defense.

One of the most frequent questions she answers, from children and adults, is why people don’t just leave violent relationships. Her answer is that it’s complicated. For some people, there are many barriers to escaping violence, including shared children, and emotional and financial obstacles.

Angela pointed out that sometimes, physical violence is the easiest aspect to deal with in a tangled situation because it is the easiest to identify. “I wish people understood that emotional abuse and coercive control are also dangerous, and in some cases it can take longer to recover from them.”

Why, I asked, do people consider this particular type of violence, this particular crime, as being different from other forms of violence and crime? It seems like people take violence less seriously when it’s labeled as intimate partner violence, I said.

“Are you asking what is it about intimate partner violence happening behind closed doors that makes people feel it’s not a part of their concern as a community, compared to violence at a gas station or in another public space?” Angela said. The short answer: history. I know from my own research into the life of a mid-19th century. Vermont women’s rights advocate that in the United States in the early 1800s, a married woman could not own property and had no right to her own earned wages. Her husband could legally beat and rape her. That changed slowly, over decades, state by state.

Intimate partner violence, sexual violence and domestic violence
are acts that thrive in darkness. Talking about them does so much
good. It allows survivors to see that they are not alone. It shows
young people that our community rejects these acts as wrong.
And it gives people tools to escape violence.

Angela points to the federal 1994 Violence Against Women Act as a watershed for the rights of survivors of intimate partner violence. The law provides funding for investigation and prosecution, as well as resources for survivors and programs to prevent future violence. The law has been reauthorized several times, and benefits not just women, but intimate partner violence
survivors of all genders.

When we don’t see intimate partner violence and sexual violence as a concern for the community, when there are no social consequences for the crime, when we treat it differently than similar crimes, we echo these ancient laws and beliefs.

Because things have changed, we should honor a survivor’s wishes for privacy, but keep in mind that this is an individual decision. We shouldn’t assume that survivors don’t want the topic of intimate partner violence discussed, Angela says. The decision is not made by a community member, but by the survivor for themselves.

Intimate partner violence, sexual violence and domestic violence are acts that thrive in darkness. Talking about them does so much good. It allows survivors to see that they are not alone. It shows young people that our community rejects these acts as wrong. And it gives people tools to escape violence.

As Angela told me, “What stops the violence is naming it and having conversations with the kids.”

 If you are experiencing intimate partner violence or sexual violence you can reach the Women’s Freedom Center’s 24-hour hotline at 1-802-254-6954. Between 8 a.m. and 4 p.m., you can text the center at 1-802-200-2770 or chat from their website by clicking here. See their website for non-emergency contact information. For other forms of domestic violence, the
statewide domestic violence hotline is 1-800-228-7395.

Madeline Bodin is a writer living in Andover.